Love Story; Never Ending Confusion 

(If you haven’t read Love Story; How It All Began, make sure to read that post first!)

It all started so simply…yet it turned into drama almost over night.

Of course we invited him to youth group with us and christened him our “brother”, but our realatinship was always interesting.

From the beginning I was constantly questioning his every move; he loves me? He loves me not….He loves me?

When thinking back on our history and all the telling moments, I had a hard time deciding which ones to share. There is one memory that I particularly cherish…We spent the following summer on a mission trip to Africa, the three of us, because we were a group wherever we went. After spending a month in the African bush with hardly a shower, eating mealie pop, and running from rouge cattle, we ended our mission trip with a stay at a 5 star hotel. That first night we were there we were all able to shower for the first time in 10 days (heaven!) and we were told to dress up for a nice dinner out. I remember walking down stairs with the group of girls I was rooming with, feeling fresh and beautiful and there he was. He was talking to a friend and only glanced up for a moment, he turned back to his friend and this his head snapped back towards me. I remember this moment so clearly because it was the first time anyone had ever done a double take when looking at me. I think it was one of the first times I really realized I was attractive to men; I was riding high all night and have kept that memory with me always.

But, the real story I wanted to share with your guys came the fall following our trip to Africa. There was a boy, I met him at my homeschool coop; he was moody, dark, and mysterious, his name was Sean. I had the biggest crush on Sean, and since my other romantic interest was chasing after other girls, my floundering heart was sure that it’d be okay for me to be interested in someone else too.

Our story starts in the dark.

A group of us were hanging at my parent’s house (who were conveniently out of town) and we decided to play hide and go seek in the dark. (Now just hold up okay! It’s not as stupid as you think when you’re running around a 3 story 6 thousand square foot house in the dark looking for people- oooooookay? Sheesh. Anyhow…)

We had specifically invited our “brother” so that he could meet my crush, to say he was less that impressed would be an understatement. I noticed some jealous vibes early on in the evening, but I sloughed them off, sure that I was reading into things.

It was Sean’s turn to seek, so all of us flew in different directions to hide. I ran into my parent’s closet leaving the giggling and squealing behind. It was pitch black and a little scary. I felt my way to the back and started to slide down the wall when a slight shadow moved across the doorway.

“Are you there?” It was him.

“Yeah.” I breathed. He was coming towards me, slowly, shuffling, I held my hands out and briefly felt his warm hands fumble as they found mine; fingers brushing palms.

He sat on the floor next to me a we listened. Most of the noise from teenagers hiding had subsided, the seeking would begin soon.

“So, how’s it going…?” He asked as he took a seat next to me, his shoulder brushing mine.

“Shhhhh.” I whispered.


“We’re supposed to be hiding.”

“They haven’t started looking yet.” I could feel the heat from his body. Felt his hands stirring the air as he pricked at something on his sleeve; was he as nervous as I was. “So Sean…”

Shhhhhhh!” I felt my cheeks flush and was glad he couldn’t see me. My eyes had finally adjusted to the dark as best they could and I could just barely make out his profile as he looked towards the door.

“Hey, I mean I’m here to meet him aren’t I?”

“Well yeah but…” I trailed off awkwardly.

“I mean he seems like a nice guy and all, I just pictured you with someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, someone, you know, different.”

“Different how?”

“Someone a little more…” He paused and exhaled, he turned his face to me, I couldn’t see him well, but I could see the shape of his eyes as he searched the darkness for mine. “Someone more like…” He leaned a little closer and I could feel his hot breath blast across my face. I held my breath in response and waited.

And then he leaned in and kissed me.

Or he would have in a perfect world or maybe a reality TV show, but this isn’t a movie, this is a real story of my life. There was no kiss, no talk of feelings, instead a loud scream from the floor beneath us as the first person was found sent us both flying out of the closet and up the stairs to find better hiding spots.

Our conversation was left open ended and I was left questioning whether or not he was actually about to kiss me or if I was just dreaming as I often did.

Years later when we revisited this memory together he told me that yes, he was about to kiss me. I can not even tell you what it did to my heart to hear that. It would have been my first kiss, so it’s a bitter sweet memory for me; but one I wouldn’t trade for anything.



PS) And let’s not even talk about the rest of the night! This night was one that left me in confusion for sure! Later that same night while watching a movie, we ended up on a couch together and somehow his head ended up cradled in my lap for most of the movie while my crush sat alone in the chair that he chose. Boys. I’ll never understand them!

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