High Waisted Jeans

Dear Sweet, Darling Little Teenager Wearing High-Waisted Mom Jeans,

Why, sweet Hunnie, why?

I know they are a fad right now, but for the love of all things fashionable why?

You, my dear, sweet, svelte, young darling do not need to wear high waisted jeans. Your stomach is taut, your love handles none existent, your butt cute and perky, so why, why, why do you hide your darling shape by wearing unattractive and misshapen mom jeans? You know, the acid washed version with about a million buttons that go waaaaaaaay up over your belly button and make your rear end look like it’s three miles wide; yeah those, they’re not meant for you.

Sweet girl, can I explain something to you as part of the older, wiser generation? I know it’s hard to believe it now, but some day, you will need to wear mom jeans. They will become your safe place, your crutch, you will not leave home without them. But what will be different in that day, is that you will not wear them with a crop top or your shirt tucked in as a fashion statement; no, no sweet one, you will wear them under your cloths that way they are supposed to be worn. Pulled up tight over your belly button in vain hope that they will help suck in that pooch and give you your old shape back.

What is a pooch you ask? Oh, just you wait and see. Right now it’s an unfathomable reality, but some day it will be a daily reality that you will learn to live with and hide…But that’s a different topic all in itself.

Some day, you will wear your mom jeans proudly because, number one, you’re a mom, and that’s just what mom’s do right? But number two, you will wear them because if you tried to smash your granny panty wearing rear end into a pair of low rise jeans they might not only burst from the pressure of containing all that glory, but heaven forbid you were to bend over and the band of those ratty, but oh-so-comfortable, fruit-of-the-loom, granny panties were to explode over the top of your low rise jeans, causing irreparable damage to everyone within viewing distance. I shudder at the thought. Thirdly you will wear them for fear of the muffin top. Muffins tops are delicious, the best part of the warm, buttery muffin, many people pull them off and save them for last because they are just that good. Well, muffin tops on human beings are not quite as loved, and as a middle aged woman, you will be faced with a muffin top that you wish you could pull of and save for later, but alas, it’s not going any where soon.

So lovely, why do you squander your sweet frame and lovely curves on the likes of mom jeans? Buy a pair of low rise jeans and tuck that high waisted monstrosity away for a few years. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

With all the love,

A Mom

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