I was homeschooled. Need I say more?
Okay, okay, now before you let visions of a French braid sporting, long skirt wearing, Bible totting girl run rampant in your head, let me just say, that wasn’t me -well mostly. I mean, I did finally escape that stage of my life, sort of.
I was homeschooled my entire life. I never went to school, although I did attend a homeschool coop; yes I know that deducts from the points in my favor but we’re going for honesty here remember?
My family was raised Evangelical Christian, so although I was never a real fire-and-brimstone Bible thumper, I did go to all of the Wednesday night youth services, Point of Grace concerts, and preteen abstinence forums. Don’t pity me, it really was a good childhood, honest.
I didn’t know we were “different” until I went to a none-homeschooled friend’s birthday party. Of course I was the only homeschooled kid at the party and when the truth came out, the ashen faces and continual “you’re homeschooled?!” tilted my world off its axis just a bit.
After that I started exploring why people were so astonished that I was ‘homeschooled’. Kids my age said it like it was a dirty word. Accentuating the ‘HOME’, “you’re homeschooled!?” Was it really that much of a social disaster to be homeschooled? Well, depending on how well you hid that fact, yes, it could be.
I basically became like a biologist for homeschoolers; I studied the species in depth. These are my findings.
#1) It’s not so bad being homeschooled as long as you don’t have long hair, 12 siblings, drive a minibus, make all your own clothes, talk with a lisp, know the answer to every question known to man, wear socks with sandals, all your pants aren’t too short or high waisted mom jeans, can hold a conversation with kids your age, your best friend isn’t imaginary, you (sometimes) watch T.V., you have at least one normal hobby, you’re maybe a little athletic, you don’t wear glasses, wipe your nose every three seconds, have pimples, are constantly reading a book, or hypothesize about the cure to world hunger over breakfast; among other things.
#2) Do not, and I repeat do not, let on that you’re smarter than them. “Wow you’re homeschooled? You must like, be like, really smart or something.” Just go with the ‘or something’ and escape with your life.
#3) Public schooled kids can smell a homeschooler from a mile away. So pull up your granny panties, or whitey tighties if you’re a boy, and don’t let them see the fear in your eyes. Ever heard the song by Rodney Atkins called ‘If You’re Going Through Hell’? Well, that’s your new theme song.
#4) If you don’t wear it like a badge of honor, you’ll do better. Don’t show up at every teenage social gathering and when asked why they haven’t seen you around proudly announce “I’m homeschooled.” Kid, it’s not all that impressive and if you do, you suddenly become like the new Chimpanzee exhibit in the zoo; people love to stop and stare, gaping at you as you throw your own poo around. Because yes, you basically did just crap on yourself by admitting you’re homschooled. What it really boils down to is you can kiss your social life good bye. So just keep it under wraps okay?
#5) But really, it’s okay (sort of) that you’re homeschooled, because once your graduate high school, no one gives a flying pink monkey where you did or didn’t go to school. So just keep your head down until you’re on the other side and you’ll be fine.
If you know any homeschoolers, please, for the love of Bible-thumping ninnys everywhere, send them my way so we can get them help before they ruin their chance at a teenage social life for good.
Being homeschooled is not a disease, it’s just a slight, social abnormality that can be easily remedied.
So please, if you or a loved one are suffering from ‘Homeschooleritis’, get help today.
I mean it, get help.
With Deepest Sympathy to Your Ongoing Condition,
PostScript: Check out my Instagram page, HonestlyMommy, for a snap shot of me during my homeschooling days. (Before I got contacts, plucked the caterpillars hovering over my eyes, whitened my teeth, dyed my hair a better color for my skin tone, learned how to wear makeup, dress for my body type, and basically in all senses of the word became attractive. It doesn’t happen overnight people, there’s a process. A long one in my case. But more on that some other time.)