Welcome to the world dear Son, your birth, much like your personality, was intense, fast paced, and never offered mommy a break. It hit me like a tidal wave and never stopped moving; rushing and coursing through me until your little body in all of it’s glory emerged. I was never more aware that I was just a vessel than the day you decided to make your entrance, you’d had enough codependency, it was time to do your own thing.
Was it really three years ago that you came into this world? As I watch you grow and change I can hardly believe that all that is you was once inside of my body; housed in a warm cacoon of squishy fat and fluids. You son, are a miracle to be sure.
I remember waiting with impatient expectation for the day of your birth; I’d waited for you for years so when it came down to the last few days it was excruciating to have to wait any longer. I was fat, hormonal, and just ready for you to be in my arms. Even though you were my first, I wasn’t scared, I was anxious a bit, but I knew it would all be okay.
Time ticked on and suddenly you were “overdue”. They sent me to get an ultra sound to make sure everything was okay and the dumb ass technician says to me; “well, according to our scan, your baby is measuring over 8 pounds, but it can go a pound or two in either direction…so you may be having a ten pound baby.” I left the hospital and sobbed. Big hot tears of frustration and stress; what a horrible thing to say to a first time mommy!
Your papa calmly helped reassure me that everything was going to be okay and we relaxed together that night and just enjoyed being together, not trying to “make things happen”.
And that was it.
When I got into bed that night I felt a gush, gross, I know, but as I waddled my way to the bathroom I could not have been more excited! Yes! Finally! Something was happening!
1 am and I called the poor midwife on duty to confirm. Groggy but cheerful she told me to call if the contractions started, but otherwise to try and get some rest, rest!?!? You expect me to rest when my baby is about to be born!?
I dutifully went back to bed but I don’t think I slept a wink.
In the morning when I’d only had one or two slight contractions I smiled to myself while curling my hair, confidently thinking “well, this isn’t going to be so bad.” Oooooooh man.
I already had an appointment at the birthing center scheduled for 10am so they told me just to come in as planned. Nothing exciting happened, normal visit. They gave me castor oil and told me to drink up -yuck! So before I downed the vile liquid, we decided to hit the mall and try to get the contractions started by walking. Well, that was a poor decision!
I was not at all prepared for the sudden onslaught of intense, painful contractions that hit me three steps into Barnes and Noble. I hurried my way to the bathroom as fast as my belly would waddle and worked my way through a few contraction waiting for a break. It didn’t come.
When I’d finally gathered myself enough to walk out to find your dad so he could take us home, I found him tranquilly sitting at a desk reading a book about anatomy.
“Wow hunny!” He said, “The female body is so amazing!” He promptly went into grotesque details about the process of expulsion that was about to take place; so not what I wanted to be hearing at that moment!
It was still a few hours before you made your debut, but as I grit my teeth against the pain and waddled my way back out to the car (stopping on occasion with many curious onlookers watching to battle through yet another excruciating contraction), I forgot almost completely that this pain was unto anything other than ridding me of all my sins. Obviously childbirth is a way to purify mamas and prepare them for the next 20+ years of selflessness, patience, and tolerance that is needed to raise crazy little human beings called children. If I would have known just how large a dose of these characteristics I would need to raise you, I may have embraced the birthing process more fully. “Surrendered” my body to the process and all that, as it was I just wanted you out!
I will never forget the moment I became a mother. After overcoming every wave of contractions, pushing for 45 minutes, and enduring it all with out pain meds (yeah, yeah I know…what was I thinking?!) you finally made your way into the world, your own being completely separate from me for the first time. They laid you on my chest, all purple, squishy and leaking fluids and I’d never seen a sweeter baby.
And then we were headed home. No manual, no directions, no “in case of emergency” action plan. We’d made the trip to the birthing center so many times, just two adults in a car, and now suddenly we were two adults in a car with a 6 hour old baby. Who the heck decided to give us a baby anyways!? Sheesh.
We looked at each other in awe and mild terror and drove off into the night.
You son have been a wonder from the start; strong willed, passionate, and with a mind of your own; I wouldn’t have you any other way.
With motherly love,
PS) These photos were taken moments after Z made his way into the world. Our wonderful doula turned photographer did such an amazing job walking us through the birthing process and then picking up the camera to capture these life changing moments. And yes, I have photos of the actual birth process, but who in their right mind wants to see that horro fest? Yikes. It’s like looking at legal forms of medieval torture session. (Also, I stole these off my Facebook because I didn’t want to take the time to upload them to my iPad…So forgive the poor quality lol)
Oh yeah. And he was 7lbs 13oz; take that ultra sounds technician who told me I’d have have a 10lb baby! In your face!